More One Liners

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I donít waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

 

Dave Barry's 50 Years of Experience

Men, Manners... Right.

1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3. It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.

5. One does well to separate one's career from one's life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.

7. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.

8. The most devastating force in the world is gossip.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant.

10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person, who is nice to you, but mean to the stranger, is not a nice person.

12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

 

 

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